20 May 18: Till I Get There - Lupe Fiasco

Song: Till I Get There

Artist: Lupe Fiasco

Album (Year): Lasers (2011)

Notable Lyric: Yeah I got flaws, I know I'm not perfect, but all the ups & downs will soon be worth it - when I get there

To be completely honest with you, I could probably write an entire dissertation on Lupe Fiasco, his incredible lyrics, the deeper meanings of his songs, and how much they have helped me through many highs and lows in my life. I've chosen this song in particular as I have a completely different interpretation of it during different moments in my life. The most recent message I've taken, which I'm going to try and articulate for you, is about feeling lost and not having a sense of direction.

"I'ma keep it cool, and I'ma do me. It is what it is and it's how it's gon' be, 'till I get there."

One of the main reasons for this page was to share the songs that I've used to help me get through difficult times and when you listen to the chorus, you can easily understand why this song is on the list. This song can be applied to countless situations but the message of perseverance and picking yourself up again is a constant. While writing this I've realised the reason why I have a different interpretation every time is because the "There" that I'm getting to changes. Previously my "there" has been struggling with motivation back when I played football competitively or dealing with low self-esteem or overcoming heartache. Even something as seemingly trivial as being self-conscious about the pimples and acne scars and on my face (which to this day continues to endlessly test my confidence). The point is, there is always a place that I want to reach and it won't be a simple journey but the thought of reaching the destination keeps me going. Most recently, however, and the reason I've been listening to this song is because of the feeling of having lost direction.

Yes, at 23 I'm clearly the anomaly and odd one out because I don't have much of a clue about what I'm doing with my life. Constantly to-ing and fro-ing between "no one really has it figured out so just do your thing" and "how the fuck have you not got your 5-year-plan iron out" is a weekly conversation I have with myself. This time I my problem has been that I don't have a there to get to. So I go through all these ups and downs and I'm sure it will be worth it but where am I going? This becomes a particular issue during the downs because I the lack of a bigger picture or something to work towards makes me question why am I even bothering.

I read a book last year called The Art of Being Brilliant by Andy Cope & Andy Whittaker which highlighted an important point that would counter-argue my continuous need to have a "there". Very much along the lines of "it's the journey, not the destination", they argued the importance of not delaying or postponing your happiness but making it a part of your every day. For example, instead of saying I will get a promotion at work and then I'll be happy, focus on making the most of the journey to that destination because once you've got that promotion the target will move and you won't be happy until you reach the next one. (Once completed, repeat until death).

"If you are afraid of feel that you gon' change some, all you need to do is just remember where you came from"

Last week I took some time out to do some serious reflecting on what I wanted to do, what motivates me, and trying to understand more about what I want to do. I'd encourage everyone to do this every once in a while and have a refresher as the answers change as time goes on. It's also important to highlight that this is not a quick-fix solution. If you're fortunate enough to have an epiphany which results in your whole world making sense then good on you; but for the rest of us mere mortals this act of actively trying to understand ourselves is an important practice.

However, what this has allowed me to do is dig a bit deeper to truly understand what it is I want. What motivates you is the desire to have something you don't have. This can be something physical such as money or it can be abstract like a sense of accomplishment or social acknowledgement. In order to fill that void of we take that fear of not receiving that money or approval and re-package it as motivation. A lot of my fears and insecurities stem from not feeling that I'm good enough because of the high standards I expect from myself so finding a way to turn that into motivation has been a personal project of mine this year.

"And when I finally make it I'ma stunt so hard" *

If there's one thing that I'm particularly good at it's self-deprecation and self-criticism. If I could find a way to monetise that then that would be a massive weight off of shoulders because money is something that stresses me out a lot. From my reflection I've turned that stress into a motivator - although this is not a long term fix it's helping me generate the momentum into something further down the line. I wouldn't say I'm a materialistic person although I do like treating myself with clothing or other items so that I can "stunt". By "stunting" I'm showing myself off; that means I'm confident in myself; being confident in myself means I am working towards and achieving a purpose; by achieving this purpose I am filling up the void of insecurities; when I fill that void I will have got there.

This does suggest that I'm basing my happiness on materialistic ventures but, at least for now, I'm using that to trick myself into a state of high self-esteem which will hopefully allow me to eventually find something more stable and meaningful. It's not sustainable but it's better than standing still and hoping for something to change. You can't think your way out of a mindset, you have to action your way out of it. If this is what it takes to generate that momentum then so be it. Let's see how this works out!

*When you listen to the rest of the verse you'll understand that I've taken this line out of context. In the song he's quoting a conversation he's having with himself about remaining focused on the reason why he's worked so hard and it wasn't to show off.

"But the boos from the crowd can become so loud. If I can block 'em out then I can knock 'em out"

The paradox of it all makes it complex to put into words so I apologise if something isn't making complete sense! Dealing with these internal conflicts and cognitive dissonance is something that has plagued me for a while which is why this page is used to try to make sense of my thoughts. In my context, the boos are not coming from the crowd but from myself. I'm fortunate enough to be surrounded by people who want to see me do well and will always be there to support me but I have to learn to not be so critical of myself.

When I block that out I will knock it out, but the road there will be full of ups and downs but I know it will all be worth it. Until I get "there" I'ma keep it cool and I'ma do me.

Lyricism

I want to make a special mention to Lupe Fiasco's incredible use of words and story telling ability! All three of the verses take you down such varying roads and experiences that I feel everyone can relate to in some way. Particularly want to highlight the almost satirical second verse where he shares the troubles of dealing with fame and the treatment of people in the music industry.